By our guest astrologer, Nicolette Lara.
THE ZODIAC HAS MOVED TO STEPFORD
We’re thrilled to welcome our guest astrologer, Nicolette Lara, who’s crafted a sizzling summer horoscope just for you — with cosmic clues to navigate the season (and maybe your neighbors). Expect playful guidance, and a few surprises written in the stars.
Cancer
STEPFORD TELECAST
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CANCER DARLINGS, OUR SWEETHEARTS OF THE SEASON! THIS SUMMER, JOY BEGINS AT HOME, WHERE YOUR NESTING INSTINCTS ARE POSITIVELY RADIANT. WITH YOUR EMOTIONAL TIDES HIGH AND YOUR HEART WIDE OPEN, IT’S THE PERFECT TIME TO GO INWARD. CURL UP WITH FAMILY, POLISH YOUR PANTRY, AND TEND TO YOUR INNER GLOW. JULY FAVORS QUIET CARE AND REFINED RITUALS; A FRESHLY FOLDED TOWEL CAN FEEL LIKE A HUG. COME AUGUST, THE MOOD LIFTS. YOU’RE READY TO BE SEEN BUT REMEMBER, NOT EVERY SPOTLIGHT IS GENTLE. RADIATE WISELY, AND NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A WELL-FLUFFED CUSHION.
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
GIVE MORE THAN YOU SHOULD, LOOK PLEASED ABOUT IT, AND NEVER LET THEM SEE THE STRAIN THAT’S THE ART OF EFFECTIVE GENEROSITY.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY’LL THANK YOU FOR CARING, THEN PUNISH YOU FOR FEELING.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
PLANNING A BIRTHDAY BASH? KEEP THE GUEST LIST WARM AND THE CENTERPIECES COOLER. EMOTIONAL ELEGANCE IS THE DRESS CODE, TEARS BELONG IN THE PUNCH, NOT ON YOUR CHEEK. WHETHER IT’S A LINEN SHIRT OR A SUNDRESS, COMPOSURE IS YOUR FINEST PARTY FAVOR. AFTER ALL, NOTHING SAYS CELEBRATION LIKE GRACE WITH A CRISP HEM.
Leo
STEPFORD TELECAST
GOOD EVENING, LEO HOUSEHOLDS AND BIRTHDAY BELLES. JULY BEGINS WITH BEHIND THE SCENES SCHEDULES, SELF-CARE APPOINTMENTS, AND QUIET REHEARSALS. BUT COME LATE JULY, THE CURTAIN RISES. THIS IS YOUR SEASON TO SPARKLE, BUT DO REMEMBER: EVERY SPOTLIGHT NEEDS A SCRIPT. MERCURY RETROGRADE COULD TRIP YOUR TONGUE. SPEAK CAREFULLY. SHINE CONSIDERATELY. AUGUST BRINGS DEEPER ROMANCE AND A SOFT GLOW OF SELF-RESPECT. VENUS GRACES YOUR SIGN BY THE END OF AUGUST. HOW RADIANT YOU’LL BE, IF YOU REMEMBER TO LET OTHERS SHINE, TOO. AFTER ALL, REAL STARS DON’T SHOUT. THEY GLOW. NEATLY.
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
CONTAIN CHARISMA. PRAISE OTHERS WHEN APPROPRIATE.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY’LL FAN YOUR FIRE AS LONG AS IT STAYS AT A COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
CHARM BEATS THEATRICS. A THOUGHTFUL COMPLIMENT OR A PERFECTLY ARCHED BROW EARNS MORE ADMIRATION THAN A SPOTLIGHT EVER COULD. EVERYONE LOVES A STAR UNTIL THEY START BLOCKING THE VIEW. REMEMBER, TRUE ELEGANCE SHARES THE APPLAUSE. THERE’S ROOM FOR MORE THAN ONE BOUQUET AT THE GARDEN PARTY.
Aries
STEPFORD TELECAST
WELL HELLO, ARIES YOU FIREPIT CHAMPIONS! THIS SUMMER BEGINS WITH A GENTLE NUDGE TOWARD PATIENCE, YES, PATIENCE! JULY FAVORS DISCIPLINE, TIDY HABITS, AND A WELL-TIMED PAUSE. THINK OF IT AS WARMING THE OVEN BEFORE THE BIG BAKE. BY AUGUST, THE BURNERS ARE BACK ON AND YOUR TEMPO PICKS UP, YOUR SPARKLE RETURNS, AND YOUR EFFORTS START TO SIZZLE. JUST DON’T FORGET YOUR SERVING TRAY, DEAR: BALANCE MAKES EVERYTHING EASIER TO CARRY. GRACE UNDER PRESSURE IS ALWAYS IN FASHION EVEN WHEN YOU’RE BLAZING AHEAD.
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
IMPULSE IS FORGIVABLE. DISOBEDIENCE IS NOT.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY LOVE YOUR FIRE, UNTIL IT BURNS THE RECIPE CARD.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
AT THE BARBECUE, BOLD IS FINE. BAREFOOT IS NOT. CHOOSE A CRISP SUNDRESS OR PRESSED SHORT AND SMILE WHEN THEY CALL YOU INTENSE. THE STRONGEST SPICE STILL MINDS THE TABLE SETTING.
Taurus
STEPFORD TELECAST
WELL GOODNESS GRACIOUS, TAURUS DARLINGS WHAT A RELIEF! WITH THAT RECENT TENSION FINALLY SWEEPING OUT THE BACK DOOR, THE AIR IS SWEET AGAIN, AND SO IS YOUR SCHEDULE! AFTER YEARS OF SURPRISE TWISTS AND COFFEE-STAINED TO-DO LISTS, IT’S FINALLY TIME TO EXHALE. COZY COMFORTS TAKE CENTER STAGE, INVITING HEARTFELT MOMENTS AND HOMEMAKING WITH PURPOSE. AUGUST BRINGS AN APPETITE FOR ORDERED LINEN CLOSETS, CHORE CHARTS, AND ALL. EVEN YOUR SOCIAL FINESSE GETS A LITTLE SHINE, HELPING YOU SMOOTH OVER ROUGH EDGES WITH GRACE. AS PEACE RETURNS, SO DOES CLARITY: YOUR DEFINITION OF ABUNDANCE IS SHIFTING, AND THAT’S JUST SWELL. YOUR TIME, YOUR VALUES, YOUR COMFORT? THEY MATTER MOST NOW. SO GO AHEAD POLISH THE SILVER, FLUFF THE DRAPES, AND PRIORITIZE YOURSELF. AFTER ALL, HAPPINESS STARTS AT HOME AND SO DOES GOOD TASTE!
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
PLEASE ALIGN OPINIONS WITH DECORUM. RESISTANCE IS NOTED.
JOANNA’S WARNING
NOT EVERY SLICE OF PIE IS LOVE. SOMETIMES IT’S SILENCE.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
PRACTICALITY IS DARING WHEN IT’S WELL DRESSED. WHETHER IT’S AN APRON OR AN OPINION, KEEP IT PRESSED. YOU MAY BE RIGHT, DEAR, BUT REMEMBER NOTHING CURDLES CREAM FASTER THAN A COLD STARE. STAND YOUR GROUND WITH A GARNISH. AFTER ALL, THE BEST TRUTHS ARE SERVED WITH PIE AND A POLITE NOD.
Gemini
STEPFORD TELECAST
WELL AREN’T WE JUST TICKLED PINK, GEMINI HOUSEHOLDS! THIS SUMMER THROWS OPEN THE SASH ON FRESH THINKING AND CLEVER DELIGHTS. JULY BRINGS BURSTS OF GENIUS THAT NEED SORTING JUST LIKE THOSE CUPBOARDS AND BY AUGUST, EVERY BRIGHT NOTION IS PRIMPED, POLISHED, AND PERFECTLY TIMED TO DEBUT BEFORE FALL. YOU’RE CHARMING, INVENTIVE, AND SIMPLY BUZZING WITH PEP BUT REMEMBER, EVEN BRILLIANCE BENEFITS FROM A BOW. KEEP IT LIGHT, KEEP IT NEAT, AND LET THAT CLEVER STREAK SHINE WITH POISE AND POLISH!
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
INVENTION MUST REMAIN TASTEFUL. CHARM MUST NOT DISRUPT.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY’LL LET YOU THINK OUT LOUD, UNTIL YOUR THOUGHTS GET TOO SHARP.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
FOR SUMMER SOCIALS, WEAR A CONVERSATIONAL PRINT AND BRING A CLEVER SNACK, YOUR IDEAS GO DOWN EASIER WITH DIP.
Virgo
STEPFORD TELECAST
GOOD EVENING, VIRGO HOUSEHOLDS AND VIRTUE MONITORS! JULY’S WARMTH IS PERFECT FOR A LITTLE PAUSE AND POLISH. STEP OUT OF YOUR USUAL ROUTINE, TAKE A STROLL THROUGH NATURE, AND LET FRESH AIR INSPIRE FRESH THINKING. WHY, EVEN BREAKTHROUGHS BENEFIT FROM A PICNIC! BY AUGUST, THE SEASON TURNS TO YOU, AND ISN’T THAT JUST DELIGHTFUL? WITH PEP IN YOUR STEP AND PURPOSE IN YOUR PLANNER, IT’S TIME TO TIDY UP, TRIM THE EXCESS, AND SHINE WITH UNDERSTATED PRECISION. CLEAN LINES MEAN CLEAR MINDS, DARLING. EFFICIENCY NEVER LOOKED SO ELEGANT!
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
ALL IMPROVEMENTS MUST BE MEASURABLE. EXCESS ANALYSIS IS DISCOURAGED.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY’LL LET YOU FIX EVERYTHING SO LONG AS YOU DON’T FIX THEM.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
HYDRATION IS ELEGANT, DEAR. SO IS TRIMMING STRAY HAIRS AND KNOWING WHEN TO ZIP IT. A WELL-PRESSED TEE OR A QUIET PEARL SAYS “I CARE” WITHOUT BEGGING. REMEMBER, CHAOS IS FOR KITCHENS, NOT APPEARANCES. LOOKING COMPOSED IS THE BARE MINIMUM ESPECIALLY IF YOUR OPINIONS ARE ALREADY A BIT… SHARP.
Libra
STEPFORD TELECAST
GOOD AFTERNOON, LIBRA HOMEMAKERS AND HOSTESS DARLINGS! THIS SUMMER SERVES UP A SMORGASBORD OF SOCIAL DELIGHTS, AND MY, AREN’T YOU JUST THE BELLE OF EVERY BARBECUE! JULY CALLS FOR POISE UNDER PRESSURE, REMEMBER, BALANCE IS ALWAYS IN VOGUE. AS CALENDARS BRIM AND INVITATIONS PILE UP, GRACE IS YOUR GREATEST ACCESSORY. BY AUGUST, STRENGTH STEPS IN, BUT EVER SO TASTEFULLY. WITH A LITTLE EXTRA PEP IN YOUR POLISHED STEP, YOU’RE READY TO GLIDE-NEVER STUMBLE INTO EVERY DECISION. SAY LESS, SMILE MORE, AND ARRANGE THE TABLE JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT. AFTER ALL, HARMONY IS HOMEMADE!
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
ATTRACTIVENESS IS APPRECIATED. OPINIONS ARE BEST DELIVERED WITH A SMILE AND GOOD POSTURE.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY EXPECT YOU TO SMOOTH THINGS OVER, NOT STIR THINGS UP.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
PAIR CHIFFON OR A CRISP COLLAR WITH BOUNDARIES. A WELL-PLACED HEEL OR POLISHED LOAFER SAYS MORE THAN A TIRADE EVER COULD. EVERYONE NOTICES WHEN ELEGANCE ENTERS AND WHEN IT SPEAKS OUT OF TURN.
Scorpio
STEPFORD TELECAST
WELL HELLO THERE, SCORPIO CHARMERS AND SECRET-KEEPERS! ISN’T IT SIMPLY SPLENDID WHEN INTUITION MEETS INITIATIVE? THIS SUMMER, YOUR INSTINCTS ARE SHARPER THAN A CREASED TROUSER PLEAT. JULY BRINGS A TIDY LITTLE COMBO OF SOCIAL SPARKLE AND INTERNAL SPRUCE-UP CUT THE CLUTTER, BOTH EMOTIONAL AND ON YOUR CALENDAR, AND TEND LOVINGLY TO YOUR HEALTH AND DAILY HABITS. BY AUGUST, CAREER MOMENTUM PICKS UP STEAM LIKE A WELL-OILED LAWNMOWER. OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS LOUD AND CLEAR, BUT DO KEEP YOUR REVELATIONS WRAPPED IN GRACE. AFTER ALL, DARLING, A LITTLE INTRIGUE GOES FURTHER THAN A FORECAST.
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
UNSUPERVISED OBSERVATION IS DISCOURAGED. PRIVATE CONCLUSIONS MUST BE APPROVED BEFORE SHARING.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY’LL CALL IT PARANOIA. BUT STAY TEN STEPS AHEAD. JUST DON’T LET THEM SEE YOUR MAP.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
A BLACK RIBBON IN YOUR HAIR OR A SNAKESKIN WALLET SAYS MYSTERY, NOT MELODRAMA. KEEP THE EYELINER SHARP, THE MOOD SOFTER.
Sagittarius
STEPFORD TELECAST
GOOD AFTERNOON, SAGITTARIUS ADVENTURERS AND OPINION-HAVERS! THIS SUMMER, WHY NOT FLIRT WITH THE RADICAL NOTION OF STAYING PUT EMOTIONALLY AND PERHAPS EVEN PHYSICALLY. HOW NOVEL! JULY USHERS IN A MOST ENCHANTING ERA: SEVEN SPLENDID YEARS RIPE WITH ROMANCE AND DELIGHT, OFTEN FROM THE MOST UNEXPECTED OF SOURCES. SOUNDS SIMPLY DIVINE! AS AUGUST DAWNS, COMPOSURE IS YOUR CROWNING JEWEL, JUST AS SUCCESS IN BOTH LOVE AND CAREER COMES CALLING. WE ALL ADORE A JUICY SUMMER TALE, DARLING, BUT DO TRY NOT TO UNRAVEL AT THE BARBECUE: LINEN STAINS ARE JUST SO HARD TO EXPLAIN.
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
PHILOSOPHICAL DETOURS MUST STAY ON THEME.
JOANNA’S WARNING
YOU ASKED A REAL QUESTION. THEY CHANGED THE SUBJECT. YOU NOTICED.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
A HALTER BIKINI OR A SPEEDO SAYS YOU’RE FUN. A MATCHING COVER-UP OR AMERICAN SWIM TRUNKS SAYS YOU WON’T GET TOO LOUD ABOUT IT. CHOOSE WISELY.
Capricorn
STEPFORD TELECAST
WELL HELLO THERE, CAPRICORN CARETAKERS AND EXECUTIVE SWEETHEARTS! THIS SUMMER, EVEN THE MOST INDUSTRIOUS AMONG US MUST PENCIL IN A LITTLE PLEASURE. JULY IS POSITIVELY BRIMMING WITH PRACTICAL MAGIC AS YOU TEND TO MATTERS OF HOME AND HEARTH. WHETHER IT’S CHOOSING DRAPES, DECIDING WHERE TO HANG YOUR HAT, OR DECIDING WHO DESERVES A KEY, YOUR KNACK FOR SENSIBLE CHOICES SHINES. HEALTH ROUTINES AND TIDY BUDGETS GO HAND IN HAND WITH EVEN YOUR WILDEST AMBITION, AND MY, DON’T YOU WEAR IT WELL. COME AUGUST, THE SPOTLIGHT FINDS YOU. PUBLIC LIFE PERKS UP AND SO SHOULD YOUR SMILE. BUTTON UP YOUR BANK ACCOUNT EARLY, DEAR, BECAUSE BY MONTH’S END YOU JUST MIGHT BE SAILING INTO A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE ESCAPE. AFTER ALL, A PERSON WHO PLANS WELL MUST ALSO PLAY WELL.
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
DISCIPLINE IS DELIGHTFUL, SO LONG AS IT REMAINS DECORATIVE.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY WATCH HOW MUCH YOU MANAGE, THEN ASK WHY YOU’RE SO CONTROLLING.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
BLOCK PARTY ATTENDANCE IS NOT OPTIONAL. A PANT SUIT MAY SAY “PROMOTION,” BUT IT WON’T SAY “PASS THE LEMONADE.” FOR LADIES, TRY A SUNDRESS WITH A SASH AND A TRAY OF DEVILED EGGS THAT STATES, “I CARE.” GENTLEMEN, LINEN SLACKS AND A PRESSED POLO HINTS AT SUCCESS WITHOUT STEALING THE SPOTLIGHT. AND DO REMEMBER A SWEET SMILE COMPLETES ANY OUTFIT.
Aquarius
STEPFORD TELECAST
WELL BUTTER MY BISCUITS AND CALL ME INSPIRED AQUARIUS, YOUR IMAGINATION IS PRACTICALLY DOING THE JITTERBUG! THIS SUMMER, YOU’RE NOT JUST THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX YOU’RE BEDAZZLING IT. JULY ENCOURAGES A LITTLE PAUSE TO POLISH UP YOUR PLAYTIME PLANS AS THE UNIVERSE EVER SO SWEETLY SUGGESTS A REVIEW OF YOUR CREATIVE CONQUESTS. WHAT FUN! REVISIT OLD PASSIONS, SKETCH SOMETHING DARING, OR FINALLY GIVE THAT PAPIER-MÂCHÉ ROCKET THE GLITTER IT DESERVES. AUGUST, MEANWHILE, IS PRIME TIME TO SERVE CHARM AND GENIUS IN EQUAL MEASURE. SO FLUFF YOUR BLUEPRINTS, STRAIGHTEN YOUR SPECTACLES, AND REMEMBER: A WELL-GROOMED BRAINSTORM IS THE KEY TO NEIGHBORHOOD ADMIRATION. CREATIVITY, WHEN PROPERLY PRESSED, IS ALWAYS IN FASHION!
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
INNOVATION IS BEST APPLIED IN HOUSEKEEPING. YOU ARE REMINDED TO KEEP DISCUSSIONS LIGHT AND OUTFITS LIGHTER.
JOANNA’S WARNING
STAY WEIRD. IT MAKES YOU HARDER TO PIN DOWN.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
AT A ROOFTOP SOIREE, A CINCHED WAIST OR A POLO EARNS MORE APPLAUSE THAN A MANIFESTO. KEEP THE TINFOIL HAT AND TOE SOCKS AT HOME.
Pisces
STEPFORD TELECAST
WELL HELLO, PISCES DAYDREAMERS. ISN’T IT JUST DANDY WHEN INSPIRATION MEETS A CLEAN FLOOR PLAN? JULY INVITES YOU TO FEATHER YOUR NEST, PERHAPS WITH A LITTLE MORE WIGGLE ROOM. THOUGHTS OF RELOCATING OR REDEFINING HOME SWIRL SWEETLY, BUT DO PLAN BEFORE PACKING UP THE PANTRY. RELATIONSHIPS GROW WARMER TOO, BRINGING GENTLE FOCUS TO THE MOST INTIMATE CORNERS. BY AUGUST, LIFE ASKS FOR A TOUCH MORE CARE AND COORDINATION. WITH IDEAS FLOWING AND CREATIVE URGES RISING, A BIT OF STRUCTURE WILL HELP DREAMS FIND THEIR PROPER PLACE. AFTER ALL, DARLING, A DREAM IS JUST A WISH UNTIL IT’S NEATLY SCHEDULED.
MEN’S ASSOCIATION DIRECTIVE
EMOTIONAL OUTPOURINGS ARE BEST CONFINED TO HYDRANGEA CARE. PLEASE DISPLAY WHIMSY IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT.
JOANNA’S WARNING
THEY CALL IT DRIFTING. YOU CALL IT DECODING. FLOAT QUIETLY, BUT LISTEN SHARPLY.
STEPFORD WIVES’ TIP
ROMANCE LIVES IN RESTRAINT. A PASTEL SWIMSUIT OR CRISPLY IRONED CABANA SET SAYS “I’M FUN” WITHOUT SHOUTING. LEAVE THE SIREN SARONGS AND NOVELTY TRUNKS TO THOSE STILL CHASING ATTENTION. TASTE SPEAKS LOUDER THAN TAN LINES.
